Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Write: Choices

I wrote two pieces, but I'm going to share with you the more intimate one.  It's autobiographical, something that I think I want to get more into.  Maybe add a bit more fiction to it, but it's something I want to explore.

When have you had to make a choice?

The Lovers:  You are standing at a crossroads and have to make a choice. The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.  The Lovers symbolize attraction and choices. Perhaps you are torn within yourself. One side is instinctive, emotional, intuitive, sensual and magical. The other is lucid, highly principled, rational and attuned to social and cultural elements. We each have an aboriginal inner child and a cultured, mature adult self. You have some trust for each of them, but you may not believe they can merge. Whenever the Lovers card appears, you must either integrate two entities or let go of one of them.

My ex-boyfriend showed up at my door again. He has a habit of doing that. Once again, he wants to get back together. We've already been together and apart three times. Every time he shows up, he shows me the great side of him. He's fun and caring and understanding. He says the right things, makes me laugh, and reminds me that I don't have to be serious all the time.

This time he apologized, and he seemed serious, for all the wrong that happened. He said he realized just what he had done and felt bad about it. Said he had changed. He always says he has changed. And he has. He always mentions how I've corrupted him, changed him, with the things I like. But everyone changes somehow over time. Is it ever enough?

He always reminds me of the good times and the good changes he brought about in me. I'm not afraid of enjoying myself when there is drinking now. I can walk up to people and talk to them now, although he only helped with that a little bit. He introduced me to a lot of great people. He reminded me of how to have fun.

He also reminds me of the bad times. The times I screamed and cried and felt like nothing. I've never felt more worthless, never been so frustrated, than when I was with him. I knew I was right, could prove I was right, and he just wouldn't listen. I was taken advantage of, used, and made to feel bad for speaking up about it. I forgot what I wanted in life.

Do the good times outnumber the bad? It depends on the day. No one has a perfect relationship. My parents seem to hate each other half the time. My friends end up arguing half the time. Why can't I have a messed up relationship too? Am I ever really going to have a perfect relationship? If I do, will I feel confident and secure or will I think that I am out of my league?

The Lovers tell me that I need to make a decision one way or the other. Do I go back to a guy that will break my heart every other day, or do I continue to follow my goals and try to make my life my own? Do I let the fear of not having love put me in the arms of a man who doesn't show his love?

I think too much.

But I think I'll let this opportunity pass me by. I've got a million more roads ahead of me.

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